Why?: the first question in overanalyzing

Racist against my own race

2007-12-11T06:48:00.000-05:00

I really don't know how to begin this. I am also completely scared of being offensive, not being clear in what I have to say, and being misinterpreted. I have decided to go on anyway.

In light of all the discussions we've had in class and being such an active member in the multicultural/minority community, I sometimes thank that I am slightly racist against white people, if that is possible. The white man is in power. Can power be racist against power? I think it was Eddy that said he had something against the white man. To be honest, I've caught myself holding something against white people myself. I can't believe I just said "them." Anyway, sometimes I'll see people and have negative and judgmental thoughts about them like "They don't care about race or diversity," "They aren't a good person because I bet they aren't aware of racial problems in today's society," "I can't really be friends with them because they wouldn't understand the multicultural aspect of me." I try not to let these types of thoughts persist and I especially try to prevent them from affecting my actions and speech and how I accept individuals.

I am currently in the Women's Leadership Program. Unfortunately, there is very limited representation of the multicultural community in the program. I find this a problem. Perhaps because of the demographic percentages of the greater student body, similar percentages are playing out in the Women's Leadership Program. Frankly, it upsets me a little and for the most part, I don't think I have a whole lot in common with most of these women. I want to attribute this to their whiteness, perhaps it is only personality and the types of organizations they are involved in. I do generalize about sororities and fraternities. I had lunch with one girl who I am almost positive is in a sorority (I would really hate it if she really wasn't after I said this) was actually excited about a party based off of a You Tube video called "Tea Partay."

I just really don't think the stereotypical New England WASP is much to aspire to or even base a party off of it. OK, so most of them probably don't don't "aspire" to be that and it was made as a parody. However, I just don't like it. I feel like this may be kind of contradictory to the post I just posted, but as was the case in that one, I have been working on this one and even others over a rather long period of time because I couldn't focus my thoughts enough for a post. I am being somewhat contradictory, but I am still sorting out how I reconcile all the parts of my identity. Yeah sometimes I want to totally disown the white middle class self because it is so much more closer to the "oppressor," but I can't. I have to recognize that I am white. I do have white friends I am very close with. That is OK. I haven't totally reconciled these two parts, but I'm working on it.

I can't neglect 3/4 of myself

2007-12-11T06:41:00.000-05:00

To preface this entry, I've worked on this in several sittings over the course of a couple of weeks. I apologize if some of this does not flow well or make much sense.

On top of school work, running two clubs, and stress in general, I've found myself missing a number of my friends from home, in particular one group of friends that goes to Virginia Tech. I always have a great time when I'm with them, but I've never missed them like I have been recently. Usually, my life at school focuses on my life at school and if the occasion arises for me to see them during breaks or on a weekend, then great; if not, I know I will see them eventually. Recently, I've really wanted to go visit them and I know I can't right now because I have too much going on here. I've been trying to figure out what has changed to make me feel this way. I think it is because I've completely immersed myself in the multicultural community and have left no outlet for my whiteness, for lack of a better word. To qualify what I mean by my whiteness, I mean my skin, but mostly I mean my general upbringing in a white upper middle class community. As far as my immersion in the multicultural community, I live with two Chinese-Americans, a Korean-American, and have a Guatemalan-American and a Taiwanese around all the time. I am co-president of the Filipino-American Student Association and do a lot with the Asian Student Council. Outside of this, I do have two close friends who are white, but I don't hang out with them too much. I think Halloween was the last time I spend any time with a group of white people just hanging out. OK. That is a lie, but I can still count the number of times I've hung out with a group of white people since Halloween on one hand. I really have learned a lot about my Filipino heritage in the last couple of years. I have also thoroughly valued all of my experiences in the multicultural community, because I have found a part of me that I had not previously been aware of, and I have become more aware of our diversity that is so wonderful. I have also become acutely aware of the subtly racist nuances that occur below the average person's radar. Despite all of this, the fact of the matter, which Vicky put into words for me, is that I have been neglecting the rest of my identity. I've been neglecting my upbringing, in a sense my roots. My friends at VT represent people who have grown up very much in the same environment/community that I have and have had more similar experiences to myself than all of my apartmentmates. There is something comforting about going back to that. I also find the same level of comfortableness in an different group of friends from home. This comfort is something I have yet to find in friends at William and Mary, even outside of the multicultural community. However, it has only been this semester that I have found it so apparent, aside from the initial weeks at college freshman year. Whether picking potential dating partners or picking friends, what we look for are things we have in common. We flock to familiarity. That aspect of human nature can't be denied, whether it is biologically or psychologically based. (My biological and scientific mind is still a bit skeptical of Dr. Blakey's findings.) I guess I view friends from home as the familiar. It is a little strange to me that this is so. I mean I have changed SO SO much since coming to college, many of the ways I have changed I would view as diverging from those friends. This does bring to light that many of my college experiences have been based on the notion that I should expand and experience a variety of things, particularly taking advantage of opportunities to try/see/learn something new. Because of this, I am still very much trying to assemble all of these new experiences and all of the new perspectives I am acquiring into who I am and how I identify myself. As I said in my last part, this identity question is what is so integral to this class. It is also the question that is most present at this point in our lives. I think college is when identity changes and develops the most. It is still an ever going processes. Going back to my friends at VT, I kind of think part of its appeal is that small amount of time I'm with those friends, none of what I learned matters that much. I can almost revert back to who I was before, a place where I don't have to continually assemble all of these new perspectives I've been collecting, whether in our class or in another class or from all of the new people I've met at college. It is a little less complicated. I don't have to be as careful not to offend. I'm not saying who I am now goes out the window, but it is not as close to the surface of my mind for that time. I really do not know if any of this makes sense and I'm still trying to figure out if this analysis I go is really what I think of my situation.

To start another related train of thought, we have recently gotten a new apartmentmate who is white and though the way she grew up is a bit different from mine, I have found I relate to her much more easily than anyone else in the apartment. (I will take this time to say when I say apartmentmates I do exclude one in this reference. She is white as well but has such a different schedule from everyone else's that my interactions with her are few and far between and therefore I often exclude her in my references.) I will say that I was the only one who had known our new apt-mate prior to her moving into the apartment. This may have a little to do with our closer bond off the bat, but I think there is more to it. To give a little bit more information on my new apt-mate, she is very interested in Latin American Culture, particularly in Central America, even though she is not of Hispanic descent. Despite the fact that my father was born in the Philippines, I often feel as though my approach to learning about Filipino Culture is more like that of someone not of the Filipino descent than a mixed person's approach. I especially felt this way when I first joined FASA, but have more recently begun to equate my approach to that of a mixed person's. Perhaps it is simply a personality issue, but somehow I feel it is also based on background, which most blatantly includes our shared whiteness.

(I clearly have too many thoughts for one post, but I'm going to lump them all together anyway.) I was just reading Erin's latest post in response to the post put up by Todd. I too feel the white guilt sometimes. Yet, how do I reconcile my small lineage ties to the Trail of Tears and the colonial oppression of the Philippines with my descent from white Europeans who contributed to the majority of America? I had a conversation with my Religion and Ethics professor earlier this semester about forgiveness and justice. One particular aspect really applies to the collective guilt we sometimes feel. One of his distant relatives was a white supremacist. He certainly does not condone his relatives views or actions in relation to that view but he still must reconcile that he is related to someone like that. Other questions come up about forgiveness of his relative, just as should we forgive the whites who were in power that let things like the Japanese interment occur. Can we accept forgiveness on their behalf? Well I don't want to get too philosophical, but we really must decide where we stand and how we treat this. For me, I really don't know how to go about that myself. I do think apologies can be made for others, such as the US government apologizing for the internment even though the government in power was not the one that did the interning. Anyway I think I've lost relevancy to my original line of thought. Perhaps it is because it is not 6:11am and I have not gone to bed yet.

MXC

2007-12-11T04:34:00.000-05:00

I'm sure we've all seen a show on Spike TV entitled the Most Extreme Elimination Challenge, also known as MXC. A few days ago, I randomly turned on our most recently acquired TV to try it out and MXC was on. It was only then that it dawned on me that the show I had thought was hilarious for so long could be so offensive. I don't know why I didn't realize this before, but I hadn't. However, I also know not to take it as any sort of representation of a race or ethnicity. Given that Spike TV's target audience is the white male, I assume that at least part of those who watch it don't have much exposure to diversity, particularly to people of Asian decent, outside of shows like this and other media portrayals of Asians and Asian-Americans, which are often stereotypical. I just hate knowing that there are some people who are only exposed to this type of portrayal of Asians. Worse, some of these same people may apply this portray to Asians and Asian Americans outside of the show. Should shows like this one exist? Even though the show is dubbed over with out-of-context dialog, some of the things the people are a little ridiculous. Other shows I can think of that are based on ridiculous acts are mostly on MTV and involve college-aged people. Obviously this also does not apply to the broader college-aged population, and I think most people know this. Do people really take the same approach to a show like MXC? Unfortunately, TV often propagates stereotypes, whether these are based on age or ethnicity or on something else. I think identity discussions, which are so integral in our class, also involve breaking stereotypes. Is there anything we can do about this? Education? Edutainment? Taking these shows off the air? I think that is excessive. I won't lie, despite its offensiveness I will still probably watch MXC because I still find humor in it. As my apartmentmate said, most things that are funny are potentially offensive anyway, and I do agree with this. I don't think offensive material should be censored, but knowing your audience matters, as well as what is being portrayed to these audiences even if does not offend said audience. Ultimately, I brought this show up because I want to know what other people think. Out of the three people I polled thus far, two said it was not really offensive; of those two, one found it funny, and the other was kind of offended by it and did not find it funny. What do you think of the show?

W&M statistics

2007-12-11T02:41:00.000-05:00

William and Mary total enrollment statistics for 2007-2008 based on race/ethnicity:

African-American 7.1%
Asian American 6.1%
Hispanic American 4.6%
Native American 0.7%
Unknown 11.9%
White 66.7%
Non-resident Alien 4.0%

APAH month and Lyncburg, Virginia

2007-11-01T16:31:00.001-04:00

As a class, we will be planning events for APAH (Asian Pacific American Heritage) Month, which we will be celebrating next April even though May is the designated month for this celebration. In class on Wednesday, Francis started asking people about where they were before William and Mary and if it was more or less diverse than the current community at William and Mary. I would have spoken up during class about my less diverse experiences in Lynchburg, VA, had I not been fighting so hard to stay awake and alert during class (I really need to work on getting more sleep). Anyway, I went to Jefferson Forest High School in Forest, Virginia (outside of Lynchburg, Virginia). The demographics of Forest mostly consisted of middle to upper middle class whites. My experience of diversity in high school was what denomination of Christianity one followed, where on the political scale one stood, and whether or not one was a native to Lynchburg. Looking back, there were very few minorities. It was basically a black and white high school with Whites greatly outnumbering the Blacks. This is part of what I mean when I say I grew up white. The only Asian American I can recall is a friend with whom I'm not very close and who I think is half Korean. I don't even know for sure, because it never came up in conversation and I just never saw her in that context. It was only in the last 2 months that I even knew that there were Filipinos and Filipino-Americans living in Lynchburg.

Going back to the context of APAH Month, audience and location are very important considerations when thinking about planning for an event. I could not even imagine having such a celebration in Lynchburg, as sad as that may sound. I just don't think very many people would attend or even be interested in such an event. I'm at such a loss when it comes to motivating people who are not already aware of diversity issues to come to an event like this, whether it is in NYC, Va Beach, Williamsburg, or Lynchburg. We've talked a lot about Edutainment and it is the only way I can think of to inform people and create more awareness. Still, you cannot hide that our events will be for APAH month. My current impression is that many people will think it doesn't apply to them if they are not of Asian/Pacific American Heritage and therefore not attend. I really can't believe I said hide that it is for APAH month, in other words my current suggestion is to trick people in attending. I don't really want to do that, but I also don't know what other options we have. I would like to target those who aren't really aware of diversity, or only know it on the surface level. What reasons can we give to someone who is not of Asian/Pacific heritage or already aware to get them to attend our event? I do hope to also include some events for those who are of or who appreciate Asian Pacific American Heritage. It is a celebration, so we should celebrate in ways that are best for us. We just cannot ignore that this month give us an opportunity to increase awareness.

Both to know for myself and because I wanted to include this information to help frame the community I live in, I looked up and have included the following census information for Lynchburg and Forest, Virginia.

Surprising ancestry information of Lynchburg, Virginia:

· Black or African American - 30%
· English - 13%
· German - 10%
· Irish - 9%
· Scotch-Irish - 3%
· Scottish - 3%
· Italian - 2%
· French (except Basque) - 2%
· Dutch - 1%
· Polish - 1%
· Subsaharan African - 1%
· Welsh - 1%
· African - 1%
· Swedish - 1%
· European - 1%
· Norwegian - 1%
(http://www.epodunk.com/cgi-bin/genealogyInfo.php?locIndex=25543)

This doesn't even include any sort of Asian, Pacific Islander, or non-American/European/African ancestry!

The most current census information on race and ethnicity in Lynchburg I could find:

White - 66.9%
Black - 29.8%
American Indian and Alaska Native - 0.2%
Asian - 1.6%
Native Hawaiian and Other Pacific Islander - 0.0%
Two or more races - 1.4%

Hispanic or Latino origin - 1.5%
White (not Hispanic) - 65.7%
(http://quickfacts.census.gov/qfd/states/51/51680.html)

Race and ethnicity of Forest, Virginia (pop. 8,006):

White - 91.79%
African American - 5.65%
Native American - 0.10%
Asian - 1.36%
Pacific Islander - 0.01%
Other - 0.27%
Two or more - 0.81%

Hispanic or Latino of any race - 0.95%
(http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Forest,_Virginia)

I also found information to compare the above information to Williamsburg, Virginia.

Census information on race and ethnicity in Williamsburg (pop. 11,998):

White - 81.6%
Black - 12.5%
American Indian and Alaska Native - 0.3%
Asian - 4.7%
Native Hawaiian and Other Pacific Islander - 0.0%
Two or more races - 0.9%

Hispanic or Latino origin - 3.0%
White (not Hispanic) - 78.8%
(http://quickfacts.census.gov/qfd/states/51/51830.html)

***I'm working on getting current statistics for W&M***

Although these statistics can say a lot, the data comes from a survey that forces people to "box" their identity. I myself have done the "race bubble dance," in other words, I have not always filled in the same bubble for things like standardized tests. Even on something like Myspace, I first chose White/Caucasian; then Pacific Islander; I am currently listed as being Other. I know others who have done this as well. I still find it interesting to get a general sense of diversity from these statistics.

Cleveland Raining

2007-10-24T02:09:00.000-04:00

What is the point?
I will begin this post by first saying that I really liked Cleveland Raining by Sung Rno. I'm not exactly sure why, so for now at least I'll leave it at that.

There was one line in particular that really stood out to me. In Act I, scene four, Mick says, "So my question is: why go to all that trouble when you end up at the very same place that you started from?" This is in reference to the flood cleansing the Earth and how it still basically returns to the same state. The answer given by Jimmy is, "Having a flood every now and then is a form of maintenance." I don't think that answer pertains to how I particularly related to the question, so I am going to place that aside for now and just talk about the question itself. What is the point?

I have debated on whether or not to share a particular story of my father's which was revealed to me during my interview of him. Part of me wants to save it for the project, but the other part, with my reaction and feelings to this story brewing just below the surface, wants to share it. I have decided to share it. I feel that I need to talk about this because it really did impact me deeply and you'll see why in a minute. I also hope the way I present it my final project will still have a strong impact, whether or not the viewer has heard the story or not.

I have brought up before that in middle school my father was made fun of and called names such as "chink." What I didn't know was that a few weeks prior to my interview, my dad was simply filling up his gas tank at the Sheetz maybe 5 minutes from my house in Lynchburg, Virginia, when he was called a "chink" by a group of what he thought was high school students. This happened not in the late 1950s, before civil rights, but it happened just a few weeks ago! To think of all that people have endured, gone through, fought for and to think of all of the progress we have supposedly made, my father still has to go through the same SHIT that he had to go through 50 years ago! (To give you an idea of how strongly I feel about this right now, I am currently crying -- I guess I get an A, right?) He told me how he just wanted to go up and yell at those high school students because it angered him so much. I certainly don't blame him because it angers me, too, and it didn't even happen to me! Who the fuck do these kids think they are that they can do that? But it does bring me back to that question, "Why go to all that trouble when you end up at the very same place that you started from?" The fact that the same shit happens 50 years apart is extremely demoralizing. What is the point? I mean I know there is a point. I don't think people would still be fighting if there wasn't. I just find it so much harder to find that point. Part of me does just want to give up. Luckily, the other part is stronger. It is the part that uses the anger to fuel the drive to continue to fight. Bring it!

The Conversion of Ka'ahumanu

2007-10-14T01:19:00.000-04:00

Honestly, I didn't really like The Conversion of Ka'ahumanu by Victoria Nalani Kneubuhl. I'm not sure what exactly I didn't like about it. I just couldn't really relate to the characters. I also couldn't help but think of a couple of parallels the play had with Disney's Pocahontas. Both groups of people, the native Hawaiians and the newly arrived Haole, viewed the other group at first sight as savages. (The song "Savages" from the Disney movie now pops into my head. "They're savages! Savages! Barely even human! Savages! Savages!") The other part of the play that so reminded me of Pocahontas was the way Ka'ahumanu kept trying to figure out which way she should steer her canoe. I think it is the parallels between the play and the movie that bother me about the play. I find that I have many of the same criticisms for The Conversion of Ka'ahumanu as I do for Pocahontas. I don't like the way the stereotypes are presented in the play, but I guess stereotypes are in the play for a reason and even part of the reason the play exists, as a voice against it. I am surprised that the Hawaiians were actually worse in accepting people of other races, as exhibited by the way they treated the kaua. I may be naive, but I just find it hard to believe that Hawaii in the early 1800s was really like the play makes it seem. I'm sure some of it was like that, but I can't help but assume the play is as historically accurate as Disney's Pocahontas.

The way the native Hawaiians marked the Kaua wasn't actually that surprising to me. There have been other instances of having to distinguish the "other" because they looked the same. The Jewish both in Medieval times and during the Holocaust were made to wear the star of David, a marking that distinguished them from the supposedly superior people because looks alone couldn't do that. I say the "others" because it is through the creation of an "other" that persecution can occur. Ka'ahumanu didn't even know why they were filthy and to be hated. She just knew to do that and to treat them as filth. I think in many cases of persecution, there can be some speculation of the origination of the feelings and behavior against the people being persecuted but often it is vague or unknown. Certain things can propagate these feelings and behaviors. For example, we've discussed the source of the persecution of Asian immigrants when they arrived as being their role in labor and that they look different. I'm sure it is a combination of this plus a mix of other reasons that caused Asians and Asian Americans to be discriminated and treated poorly, but the fact is that no matter what the reason is, it continued with or without the knowledge of a reason.

2007-10-10T14:28:00.000-04:00

"Colorblind" by the Counting Crows
I am colorblind
Coffee black and egg white
Pull me out from inside
I am ready (Repeat 3 times)
I am taffy stuck and tongue tied
Stutter-shook and uptight
Pull me out from inside
I am ready (Repeat 3 times)
I am fine
I am covered in skin
No one gets to come in
Pull me out from inside
I am folded and unfolded and unfolding
I am colorblind
Coffee black and egg white
Pull me out from inside
I am ready (Repeat 3 times)
I am fine (Repeat 3 times)

A Philosophical Take on Things

2007-10-10T12:27:00.000-04:00

Why do we think we have so much control over the future?
So, I'm in a Religion and Ethics class. Since I had missed my class on Monday, I stayed after to talk to my professor about what was talked about in class on Monday. The topic of discussion was about tale baring and gossip. This discussion was surrounded by a discussion on telling the truth during Friday's class and a discussion on forgiveness during today's class. During the discussion with my professor, I definitely brought up this class, Asian American History in Action. We've talked a lot about history. Are we really entitled to tell all of these stories? Have we forgiven the transgressors against our ancestors? Should we? Can we forgive them and still continue to tell the story? Is it really moving on if we are still upset by this history, these stories? Has justice been made? Will justice ever be made? Are we forgiving when we demand justice? It was Francis that said forgiving is giving up the right to be angry. Is that what forgiving really is? I think it is certainly a part of it. Is it a release? Some say forgiveness is not dwelling on the incident or transgression. I definitely don't think our study of history includes living in the past, which I equate with dwelling. We are ultimately looking for a positive to come out of the knowledge of the history we explore and learn about. My professor used the Holocaust as an example. I think we can all agree that the Holocaust was a bad thing that happened. Have we forgiven those who were behind the Holocaust? My professor also mentioned a memorial (shown below) at Dachu, the first concentration camp in Nazi Germany, that reads "never again." I think the political cartoon (shown above) makes quite the statement, that history can't always prevent things from happening again. Maybe the history hasn't been taught effectively. Maybe we just have to keep trying until we eventually can prevent the repeat of history. How do we even handle the incident in Minnesota where a Hmong man was killed? Or the difference in justice in Jena, Louisianna for people of different races? Can we forgive? Will we forgive? Should we forgive? Are these our stories to tell? What if we don't know all of the facts? It is so hard not to include our own biases. Is it okay to include biases, especially when it comes from the heart? Emotion behind a story makes it more enjoyable, more real, and more rememberable.

Why do you feel the need to give me a Bible?
Today I was offered a Bible a total of 3 times in my 12 minute walk back to my dorm from the Campus Center. This made me think of a topic I will be discussing in my Religion and Ethics class later on in the semester: is religion ethical? I am certainly of the opinion that there are instances where religion is not ethical. I am also one to be very upset by proselytizers and offerers of the Bible in public. I think religion is more personal. Well let me rephrase that. I think beliefs are extremely personal. Religion is communal by the way that it creates a community, so it can only be so personal. However, religion is still a personal choice and a personal preference. I am insulted that they imply their beliefs are better by trying to convince you to convert or by making sure you do believe the same things. Honestly, I just wanted to say, "No thanks, I worship Satan." However, I couldn't bring myself to do it. Instead I settled on, "No thanks" and, "No thanks. I have one." Obviously I have reached a point of ethical tension in myself. I have the desire to lash out at them, give them my opinion, and let them know that I disagree with what they are doing. On the other hand, the way I want to go about it I feel is wrong. One, it would really be a lie for me say that I worship Satan. Two, it would be intending to insult the bible givers. Three, I am all about free speech but to the extent that it should not intend to do harm. So, I have found ethical reasons behind my restraint from actually saying those words out loud. Still, is what they are doing ethical? If there is the concept of the other and your purpose and desire in life is to be in relation to the other and not do the other harm so that the relation is not broken, then isn't it wrong that they are offending me by offering me a Bible?

Conversion, missionaries, and proselytizing all have a bad connotation to me. Those who try to convert and proselytize come across as being better than others because if you do not believe what they believe then you are missing something; what you are and what you do and what you believe is sub par to this greater truth they want to lead you to. In a historical context, conversion stories are often accompanied by assimilation, control, and colonization. I mean I don't really know how to reconcile this. I wouldn't have been raised Catholic had the Spaniards not colonized and forced many natives to the Philippines to convert. I am glad that I was raised Catholic. I don't know what the alternative would have been like. I like to think it would have been just as good to follow that religion as to follow Catholicism. Now, I view Catholicism as part of my heritage. I feel that it is the closest link I have to my Filipino heritage. It is the biggest part of Filipino culture that I was raised with. Recently, I have gone away from the Church for a number of reasons. I am currently happy with my decision but I still feel in a way that I am losing even more of the culture I have gotten from my Grandmother. Ideally I would like to go back, but it is so hard to when so much more goes into it. Believing is just hard to do sometimes. Until then, I am trying to find other aspects of my heritage to focus on, instead of being left with nothing of my Filipino heritage.

My father: past and present

2007-10-03T14:45:00.001-04:00

The Past

I'm just speculating that this family photo was taken in the early 1950s in the Philippines

Top row (left to right): my paternal grandfather, my paternal grandmother
Bottom row (left to right): Aunt Florence, my dad, Aunt Bev

The Present

My parents and me (December 2005)

Talk-Story

2007-10-03T14:31:00.000-04:00

What is lost?
There was a line in the play Talk-Story by Jeannie Barroga that really stood out to me. The line was "If you shed enough layers, you won't get them back. Be careful what you let go; be careful what you keep." It was spoken by Frank in the play as a taped story. He had changed from who he was in the Philippines to a man who only knew of the city life in America. I think this is definitely a theme that many second and third generations can identify with. Choices made by their parents and grandparents and sometimes even by themselves have led to the shedding of many layers and leave them struggling to get a few of those layers back or trying to make sense of what layers remain. I can't generalize for all of course, but I at least know I am a part of this struggle.

For example, my grandmother made a choice not to let my dad and his sisters talk Tagalog at home but only English when they first came to the states. Language seems to be such an important part of identity but that is a topic of discussion I'll leave for later. My point is that I don't have that particular connection to my heritage because of a decision my grandmother made. My dad doesn't remember any Tagalog and I don't know any expect Muhbuhay, which I learned here at William and Mary. I certainly don't blame my grandmother for making the decision she did, because even for my family, it was about survival. My dad came over from the Philippines in 1955, almost a decade before the historical Civil Rights Act of 1964.

I am still sad that for reasons I can't control, layers of my heritage have been lost. Especially through this class and through my involvement in FASA and the Asian community here at William and Mary, I am trying to get back in touch with layers that have been lost. It is a far greater struggle to try to get the layers back. I don't totally agree that once shed, you can never get them back, but the layers added back will never be the same as the layers would have been had they never been lost. However, they don't necessarily have to be completely new layers either. Don't we constantly shape our layers anyway? For me, I am just trying to identify the layers I currently have that are a part of my Filipino heritage, as well as trying to add layers of that heritage I can make my own.

Ultimately it is a struggle of taking ownership. I think that is a huge part of determining identity, what do you take ownership in? How can I take ownership in something I don't know about? What does it mean to be 1/4 Filipina? Do I have, embrace, and own many of the values of Filipino culture or Filipino-American culture? I am still struggling to find out more so I can decide if I want to take ownership of it, if I feel I can take ownership in it, and what it is that I am taking ownership of.

Looks and Identity & Racist Nuances (a second question: what?)

2007-10-03T02:59:00.000-04:00

Why do you say that?
We've talked a number of times about what role looks play in what people consider us. We are visual beings. Several comments regarding my looks and identity recently have seemed more frequent than normal. I'm sure it is just coincidental, but it also makes me think why now?

Today while at parking services I was asked if I was Italian or something else I can't remember. I was like, "No." Then the women behind the desk proceeded to ask me what I was. I said, "a quarter Filipino and a large mix of white like English, Dutch, Welsh, and German." I was also asked if I spoke Pilipino, which I thought was a strange question considering I am only 1/4 Filipino. Now let me ask you this, how do you picture the woman behind the desk? Does the story lend itself to you making assumptions of how the woman looked? Does how you picture her affect your thoughts and feelings on this? Part of me wants to tell you what she looked like, but at the same time I don't want to put labels on her, as I would also be making assumptions based on how she looked. And wouldn't that be just adding to the huge value we place on visual perception, while forgetting that there is so much more than that?

I have also recently been told after I reveal that I am 1/4 Filipino, "I can see that." Can you really or are you just saying that? My mom has even told me that I look European, whatever that means. More seriously, what does that mean, especially in regards to my identity? Also, what does it mean when people falsely identify me or anyone else? I continue to struggle with the tension caused by my huge desire to explore a culture that only makes up 1/4 of my heritage juxtaposed to the fact that I look Caucasian. I know this is rightly so, as almost 3/4 of my heritage consists of some sort of European heritage. Do I accept this? Part of me is like, "well I have to because that is how it is." Another part doesn't quite accept that. There has to be a way for me to view myself and my identity that includes my Filipino heritage as being a huge part of me while also acknowledging that I do not look that way.

What battles will we choose?
Another topic I have been thinking a lot about recently is the still ever present nuances of racism or I like to call it ignorance. I was hanging out with a friend and some of his family and friends and mention of a chink in armor came up. Of course that then led to a brief comment on Chinese. Unfortunately I don't remember the exact words that were said or even what lead to the armor comment. I think even the mention of it was offensive. I'm not sure if it was offensive given that no one else in the group, as far as I know, were of Asian decent or if it was the emotional ties I have to the word because of my dad's experiences growing up. But how do you stop the usage of that. I think it has been said before our discussion of Talk-Story. How do you say something without "ruining the mood." How many of us, like I did, just let things like that go? How will it stop if no one ever says anything? I don't think we should all be like Dee and stand up for every little thing. Pick your battles. But are we choosing too few battles?

Is there ever an okay time to use words such as Chink and the "n word?" Is there ever an okay time to joke about race, looks, and identity? Who even has the right to use and joke about these things? I will shamefully admit that I have joked with one of my apartment-mates about her eyes. As soon as I said it I wished I could take it back. Was I too harsh on myself since I was only joking? Often we feel we have the right to joke about race and looks with friends because there is a mutual understanding that we aren't trying to be offensive and that we don't often hold these stereotypes to them. But think of all those who may not be meaning to but are offensive. Is it right for them to do this? Was it right for the friends of Asians and Asian-Americans that have been discussed so far in Takaki to perpetuate the racism, stereotypes and ignorance, even though they didn't think they were being offensive? For example, take the writings of Harte. He was trying to show he was against anti-Chinese racism, and yet, he still focused only on the stereotypes given to the Chinese.

Time and time again we see rappers and comedians using terms such as the "n word" but if the wrong person uses it, it is totally offensive. Where do we draw a line between times when it is ok to use terms and make fun using stereotypes and times when it becomes offensive; between who can jokingly use these terms and who can't; between having fun with friends and perpetuating racist nuances?

Chapter 2

2007-09-27T01:15:00.000-04:00

Why have I been MIA in my posting?
Well being sick on and off the first two or so weeks of school for some reason really gets in the way of finishing readings and keeping up with school work. But I am pretty much better now and will be continuing to post on previous chapters read until I catch up. Hopefully I'll be able to stay well. So stay tuned!

Why did these "strangers of a different shore" come?
Before reading Takaki, I think I unknowingly assumed that these "strangers" had more in common with each other than they actually did, when first arriving in Hawaii and California. As Francis said in our class discussion on chapter 2 of Strangers of a Different Shore, one box was being created for the people who had come from 6 or more nations. Takaki points out that in actuality the emigrants from each of the Asian nations all came from more than just different countries, but from different backgrounds, as well. They all had different religions (Taoism, Buddhism, Shintoism, Hinduism, Islam, Sikhism, and Christianity). Most were men, though there were a number of Japanese and Korean women. I found it interesting that culture played a pretty big role in who came over to America. Since Chinese women were expected to take care of her husband's family and it was not custom for them to travel alone, they very often stayed home in China. However, it wasn't so taboo for women to travel for Japanese and Koreans. They also all had differences in educational background, situations in their homeland that contributed in them leaving, and varying contact with U.S. culture prior to coming to America.

I cannot even imagine going to such a different place as these immigrants did. Takaki rightly documented a few excerpts describing the voyage some immigrants took and their feelings about it. Currently, I want to go abroad myself to work for a year some place in Asia. I hope it will be a great experience, but right now, I'll be honest it scares me shitless to think about it. I still have no idea what I would be doing or where I'll be but am looking into all of my options. Still, the world is so much smaller than it was then. I can travel in one or two days to Asia, so rather than having a month to think about whether I made the right decision, I only have a day contemplating that before I actually arrive and really find out. The laws are not as rigid and discriminatory as they were in the last 1800s and early 1900s. Also, English is pretty widespread in the larger cities in Asia. A language barrier does still exist, but it is not nearly as rigid.

Though my reason for going abroad is the interest of experiencing something new, for most Asian immigrants 100 years ago, it was a "necessity" that drove most immigrants them come to American despite having different respective backgrounds. Takaki's title for chapter 2 "Overblown with Hope" is very fitting. Necessity led immigrants to hope for better lives rather than just try to stick it out in their respective homelands. Unfortunately, it was not exactly what they bargained for.

A continuation of exploration and revelation

2007-09-27T01:11:00.000-04:00

Why did I not find this out sooner?
After I had written my last entry I actually talked to my dad and was surprised that there was more to find out from him. I guess I hadn't previously asked the right questions before. It started off with me asking if he had heard of Angel Island. Like many others, my dad had not heard of Angel Island. I figured maybe he had since he entered the country through California, but I forgot the fact that he was not considered an immigrant.

I guess I should take the time to disclose my background as Todd did. At first I just assumed if anyone was confused they would ask, but now I see the value in revealing it first, as one may not even think to ask further but once revealed it does help to put things into perspective. Anyway, my dad was born in the Philippines to an American soldier and a Filipina, so that makes me only 1/4 Filipina. He moved to the US when he was 10 years old with his parents and sisters. My heritage from my mother's side includes having Cherokee ancestors who experienced the Trail of Tears and a mixture of English, German, Irish and maybe a little Dutch. I was raised in a white middle class environment. My parents also pay for my tuition, food, and even gas (though I generally pay for the road trips I take occasionally). So yeah, that's a quick look at my background. I really am open to answering more questions if anyone has them.

Back to the conversation I had with my dad, another question I had asked him was a question of identity. Does he consider himself white? Filipino? Half? He answered that he considers himself white. I was a little surprised, even though I probably shouldn't have been. I mean like I said before, I was raised in a white middle class environment. My dad said that he thinks it is because he has such a bad connotation with his Filipino side. He was definitely made fun of and called names when he moved to the States. He and his siblings were mistaken for being Chinese and called derogatory names which I won't repeat here. I just think back and am sad to know that he went through that. No one should. Unfortunately it happened and still happens, whether through ignorance or pure racism. I also am sad that because of the connotations my dad has with being Filipino, I may have missed out on knowing more about it.

Identity is a huge question for everyone. I have heard many people struggling with this issue for themselves, and I am definitely no exception. Many of us will probably always struggle with identity or at least constantly be shaping it in some form or fashion. My dad's answer to the identity question I posed to him almost makes it harder for me to know what to consider myself. I am basically 3/4 white, and yet I cannot accept that I am just white. I also want to claim that one quarter that I've been exploring so much recently. I do know that I look white (although there are those few times that I'll forget). How much of that plays into my identity? I really have no answer to that yet, or even to what I consider myself in general, but I am always looking for one.

Also in my conversation with my dad I found out for the first time that my grandmother's maiden name was Villegas, indicating that I also am of Hispanic decent. My dad even thought that her uncle may have been the first treasurer of the Philippines. I have not yet been able to find evidence of this, but it would be interesting if I could verify this or not. I'm not entirely sure why it is so interesting when you can link your personal and family history to a historical event, person, place, or time that is recognized by many others. I speculate that it serves as additional verification of your own personal history in the same sense that Takaki includes so many dates and numbers to validate his writing of Asian American history. This is also probably why in my background I wrote that my Cherokee ancestors experienced the Trail of Tears. But anyway, perhaps I have a starting point for my solo project, to investigate any family relation to the first treasurer of the Philippines.

Chapter 1

2007-09-02T17:39:00.000-04:00

Why...

... did I decide to take Asian American Theater and Film, better known as Asian American History in Action? This was a question that was answered by several others in the class during introductions. Part of Vicky's response especially got me thinking. Although many if not everyone in the class would agree with this, Vicky was the first to voice her frustration at the lack of Asian American classes of any sort. One reason I wanted to take this class was that I hoped it would shed light on my personal history and heritage in addition to just exposing me to Filipino American History and Asian American History. My frustration lies in the fact that my family cannot really help me explore this now that I see it is important and have the desire and passion to do so. My grandmother has passed away, my father does not remember anything of his life in the Philippines except for picking mangoes, and I am not really close to the rest of my family to really be able to ask them in depth questions. Much of this is no ones fault. My dad was only 10 years old when he moved here from the Philippines and I can't remember what I had for lunch today so how can I expect him to remember something 50 years ago? This may be a little too personal for a class blog but even having any sort of discussion about heritage and things like that with my dad is difficult and it is both frustrating and sad for me. I guess I'm just happy that there is this class and it will hopefully give me a place to start since I am both personally and emotionally invested in finding out more.

... did I not realize the same President I have adored for years is the same that issued Executive Order 9066 on February 19, 1942 that sent thousands of Japanese Americans (as well as a number of German and Italian Americans) to internment camps? I don't know if it was how that particular part of history was taught to me or I just have refused to make that connection until now. It is rather upsetting though. I suppose he could have been in a pickle with having to calm mass hysteria, deal with the politics of the situation, and listen to all of his advisers, but I still don't think it is an excuse to take away the civil liberties of people.

... was the Filipino Repatriation Act of 1935 passed? In the reading I came across mention of the Tydings-Mcduffie Act of 1934. In exploring it further I saw that it also led to the 1935 act which among other things haulted family reunification. I guess I just have such a hard time figuring out what caused laws like these to be passed. I'm sure I will never be completely satisfied with the reasoning but I just feel so lost in terms of the political and social history surrounding these laws. I just hope to learn more about the history surrounding these acts. Even just in the one chapter of Takaki that I read it just made it even more apparent how much I already didn't know of Asian American history.